"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down."

"Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?"

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

"If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job."

"Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end."

"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym."

"While I am not a fan of corporal punishment, I am not a fan of his friends Major Nuisance or General Disturbance."

"Basically, I'm for anything that gets you through the night - be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels."

"There is no kind of dishonesty into which otherwise good people more easily and frequently fall than that of defrauding the government."

"Abuse a man unjustly, and you will make friends for him."

"You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?"

"All is the Self or Brahman. The saint, the sinner, the lamb, the tiger, even the murderer, as far as they have any reality, can be nothing else, because there is nothing else."